“I Think I Need A Hug”

You know the old adage, ‘if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all’? I’ve been feeling like this over the last few weeks. The last time I wrote anything was during the 100% humidity days of methotrexate. Thankfully that is well and truly out of my system now and I’ve taken my first dose of Enbrel. I can’t cross my fingers but here’s hoping I can write a very positive update once the Enbrel begins to kick in.

In the meantime, I’m in a bit of a hole. I’m back to purely existing rather than living my life. It’s amazing how quickly it can set in but it never leaves anywhere near as fast. It all started with the methotrexate, which I was taking for arthritis, but once it failed it fed rapidly into all my fibromyalgia symptoms.

I haven’t been doing too badly with those symptoms over the last few months. Finally there was a bit of stability, so while it wasn’t getting any better it certainly wasn’t getting any worse. But then just one of my many medications didn’t kick in and suddenly all the good work was undone.

The extreme fatigue had returned and it was off to bed with me. Getting a cup from the cupboard was like bench –pressing my own body weight. It took at least thirty minutes to get to grips with the stiffness before I could get out of bed. (Behave yourself; I’m making a serious point here!)

These were the physical symptoms that got worse but the most worrying aspect for me was the psychological effects that just one medication failing brought to me. I was relatively upbeat after my arthritis diagnosis and the future that targeted relief could bring. But then a small set-back had me questioning my future as a whole.

Once the methotrexate didn’t work, a chink of light was seen in my defences and every other doubt, worry and fear I had been keeping at bay decided the time was right to attack. I love my history so I suppose it’s similar to Irish people saying that ‘England’s difficulty is Ireland’s opportunity’ in 1916. Basically while you’re distracted fighting something else we’ll join in and attack you elsewhere at the same time.

I still use medication as a support as I battle my depression. Thanks be to f*** I do because it’s been a rough few weeks. I’ve been pretty good at hiding this from some people but that isn’t a good idea either. My family, as always, have been a magnificent support. We had a lovely two-day break late last week and enjoyed swimming in the warmest Irish sea water I’ve ever felt.

However, even while I was playing in the sea or making our picnic, my mind was elsewhere, racing at 100mph and whispering in my ear ‘enjoy this for now but I have you broken and this happiness isn’t real.’ Like eating a square of chocolate, I knew the good feeling wouldn’t last and I would derive no satisfaction from the holiday once it was over.

I really enjoyed the time we spent together and know deep down it was much better for me than sitting on the couch for two days. Trouble is it is suppressed way down and the negative thoughts hold sway at the moment.

You see Depression for me is a sneaky bloke. Every so often it jumps me when I’m distracted, beats me up, steals my lunch money and leaves me to get over the internal hurt and the pain. You’ll be first to know when that happens.



PS: The title of this post is a quote from the Donkey in Shrek and does not need to be taken literally. However, if you’re a single girl feel free to take it literally and we’ll see if that can cheer me up